Tales from the Single Relationship Expert: Singles Are Choosing Not To Date!
Writing a book about my dating life definitely put me in positions I never thought I would be in. I’ve been on multiple podcast interviews, radio, TV, magazines, speaking engagements, receiving apologies from men from my past who have read my book, open mic nights and a relationship I truly had no business being in. What in the entire hell?
Now I already know that “MyType” was not good for me. I wanted to try something different because after all I had written out my pattern of dating in my book. I cracked the code as to why I was dating the same guy in different forms. I wanted to help these men get through things I had gotten through on my own or so I thought. I thought by helping them I was helping myself and I wanted to show the way. Many times that lead to my kindness being mistaken for weakness, my wallet being tapped too often, my expectations never being met regardless of how many times I expressed them and the word I dread the most complacency.
Throughout time people have been raised to believe true happiness is linked to marriage and kids. After all it is natural to seek companionship. That was kind of the narrative. Go to college, meet your husband, get married, buy a house have kids and eventually retire. Being complete already, knowing yourself, liking yourself and knowing how to love yourself weren’t as big then as they are now. Thank goodness for growth.
I remember putting pressure on myself thinking there is no way I would be able to sell books without the ideal “happy ending” to close the deal. The book is called Diving in Stillettos First: Memoirs of Dating Mr. Right Now. The book ended and so I should be with Mr. Right. Right? The funny thing is my story continues. Okay hallelujah! Going to events everyone would see my boyfriend and say “Sooo is this Mr. Right?” At first I would smile and look at him and say I think so and then as the relationship continued and I realized growth was lacking my answer became a smiley face and shrugged shoulders saying “Maaaaybe.” When things continued to go south, not giving up on him as he so often begged and none of his actions matching his words, I got more comfortable laughing off the question all together or saying “Time will tell.” Cue Colgate smile with ping noise. Now that it’s over when asked I say I’m in a peaceful place ready for true love. Hell I’ve done the work and will continue to do so. Dating when you’ve healed is a totally new ball game and so much more fun.
Society has a way of making singles feel defensive when people hear that you are unattached. They make comments like “You’ll find someone someday, or We need to find you someone rich to spoil you or my favorite “You’re so pretty are you crazy?” You may find yourself saying things like “I’m not dating...I’m good” or “I’m not dating…but I do like this person” in an effort to make them feel better about your singleness. The reality is some people are actually single by choice. I know jaw drop.
Dating with a purpose can only warrant successful results when you go in healed, knowing who you are flaws and all, Liking and loving yourself knowing you are 100% whole, ready to love and let’s be honest want to make the time to do it. So until they are ready for that type of commitment, happily single is the way to go. Many people are building brands, excelling in business and are so consumed with work they put dating on the back burner. Not everyone is complaining of loneliness. Many enjoy their peace and their own company.
Now I’m not talking about the ones that make no effort to date, but are on social media posting bitter memes like “I sleep great at night knowing no one is cheating on me.” Those have not healed yet and have a ways to go. There are many hurt people on the dating scene thinking that dating is a game so they aim to manipulate and get what they want from people one latte at time. Disappointed singles are spreading the word that even if you’re S/O sucks work it out with them. Leaving people in toxic relationships to believe they are winning just because they have someone even if their S/O is horrible it’s better than being alone. People will give horrible advice from the bottom of their hearts.
So if you are single and genuinely happy about it, I salute you. Don’t let anyone convince you that you need to rush and find someone so you’re not alone. Just because they’ve settled doesn’t mean you have to. When you’re ready to date you will make the time do it because you want to not because you feel pressured to. Continue to be about your business. Grow and better yourself. Becoming the best version of yourself will attract the person you are compatible with and honestly it’s the best thing you can offer in a relationship. Position yourself to welcome the goodness they have to offer. Should you choose to be open for a relationship make sure it’s a healthy one. You didn’t do all that healing for nothing.