Tales from the Single Relationship Expert: I reached out to my EX to so I could date better. After r
Reach out to my Ex? What in the date better is going on here?
An exercise I did from the book The Game of Desire by Shan Boodram.
Throughout my dating career I have been able to discover a few things. I’ve learned my likes and dislikes, my patterns good, bad and wtfs and most importantly being able to love myself more and more through it all. What I did not know or care to know was what my exes thought about me after I was long gone and out of their lives. That is until I started to read The Game of Desire by Shan Boodram and she suggested I seek advanced feedback from those who have known me intimately. Exsqueeze me?
Picture this, waking up on a beautiful Sunday morning (the 4th day of my 5 day vacation) to a sun drenched window, feeling relaxed and so fresh and so clean as I stretch out on my fresh white linen. I get up wash my face, brush my teeth and back into bed I go because I have no schedule today and finally have nowhere to be. I chug some water, pick up Shan’s book and begin reading along taking notes, learning personality traits and attachment styles really feeling like I’m mastering learning about myself and then boom. Shan Boody kindly suggests I dig in my past to help me figure out where I may have possibly come up short in past relationships. Now this was not an exercise for closure, oh no. This was an exercise to give clarity on what part of my “game” needed work. Did I have trouble apologizing, did I lack emotional control or veer towards self- absorption. Shan girlllll what are you trying to do to me? I did the only logical thing I could think have. I stopped reading and sent an animoji to my cousin who is also reading the book and said “I’m not doing that shit!”
I Face-Timed my friend and told him about this portion of the book and of course the battery was put in my back when he replied “For what? You know who you are. You can skip that part?” My friend was right and hyped me up to shut down this whole operation until this little voice inside me said “how bad could it really be.” There was something in me that felt like I would be cheating myself by skipping this exercise in the book. Also the fact that the book said “You don’t have to do this but if you don’t, you’re cheating yourself out of a lot of progress...” I talk about being my best self all the time. How could I truly achieve this if I don’t give myself constant opportunities to improve? Game on Shan, challenge accepted.
Now the new problem was choosing who it would be. It had to be an ex that was emotionally stable. It had to be an ex that would not take this opportunity to be Petty Murphy and try to purposely hurt my feelings because they had a bruised ego. It had to be an ex that wouldn’t think this was an opportunity for a second chance and most importantly it had to be an ex that had moved on, had no hard feelings, would be honest and genuinely wouldn’t mind taking a small part in helping me become a better person period. Where the hell would I find such a unicorn? I ran down the list and I really didn’t have that many exes let alone ones that fit those requirements and then I decided. Superman would save the day. Now if you read my book Diving In Stilettos First: Memoirs of Dating Mr. Right Now you would know that Superman and I had a very special relationship. He honestly is the only ex I have that didn’t end in a block from my life. We’ve actually remained cool. Our chats were very few and far between if at all and I really didn’t know how I would make this request. “Like hey I didn’t do anything wrong when we were together right? You don’t have to answer. Okay bye!” Luckily The Game of Desire gave some tips on how to approach. Me being me, I decided to just send a text asking if he wanted to help me out with a survey and being the good Samaritan that he is he said “Yeah sure I can give you a call tomorrow.” That part was easy.
Tomorrow came and I told him I could call around 11. I was swamped with work so I had to force myself to take a break. My curiosity wanted to get this over with. I have to admit I was a little nervous when I called. I could tell because my arm pit itched a little. Don’t judge. He answered and I got right to business. I didn’t want to waste time. Shan gave me a list of questions and I went through every single one. No surprise he answered and gave an explanation for each. Here’s a few of the questions:
Was I a good listener to you?
Yes. That was the initial connection. We could talk about anything because we listened to each other.
Did I speak your love language?
Yes…I don’t even know what that is but it sounds good so yes lol.
Did you find me reasonable?
Yes…Considering our situation ( situation can be found in chapter 4 of my book Diving in Stilettos First)
Did you find me grim or negative?
No always very positive attitude, energy and smiling all the time. Unless someone pissed you off but that was rare other than that.
Did you consider me an independent person or needy person?
Very independent, you don’ need anyone. lol You’re with someone because you want to be not because you had to be. You do whatever the hell you want whenever you want.
Do you think I saw you for your highest potential?
Yes that’s part of the attraction. We respected each other’s hustle and ambition. Very encouraging.
Where do you think we were incompatible?
We never really clashed but we think alike and I think our pettiness would shut everything down. Like I’m not speaking to him fuck him I’m not calling. I would be like I’m not calling her fuck that. The silent treatment would last probably way longer than it should but eventually we would talk again. Gradual truce.
Do you think I changed for the worse, at some point in the relationship?
No you were always striving for the better. Very focused and look you wrote a book.
We exchanged a few laughs before we hung up and I thanked him for his time. Even though we both moved on and it was nice to know I wasn’t hated for my choices. It felt good to know we still respected each other and wished each other nothing but the best. I thought about his comment of me not needing anyone and I wondered if that could be intimidating or a turn on. I wanted to tell him that I’m not that petty I know how to pick my battles but then I thought for what? I had nothing to prove to him or anyone else.
I don’t think I would have thought to reach out to an ex to find out what they thought of me as a partner. I figured their short comings and behaviors while in the relationship told me everything I needed to know. I’m very big on actions. If you show me who you really are I believe you. There’s no more of me trying to change a leopard’s spots because I see potential. No more dimming my light to make someone feel better about their flicker. I’ve worked too hard and have come too far not to reach my greatest potential. This reaching out to an ex exercise is not for everyone but if you do decide to do it just make sure you will be good with yourself no matter what your ex says. People’s opinions of you are none of your business. What you think and how you feel about yourself is all that matters. So singles get out there and flirt. You are enough and the right person for you will be equally yoked and you will be blessed to have each other.