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Tales from the Single Relationship Expert: Flat Belly Tea and Stilettos

I woke up Thursday morning and decided to finally try this flat belly tea. The instructions say to have it on an empty stomach so I did just that and headed off for work. I was sitting at my desk waiting for the coffee to kick in when a friend sent me an Instagram message asking if I wanted to attend and intimate launch party on Bowery Street.

Me: I'm wearing sneakers. I think I may be too under dressed for this.

Friend: Hmmmm maybe a smidge. I'm def not wearing sneakers as bad as I want to lol

Me: LOL the day I decide to be super comfortable. Okay can you wear jeans? If so; I can figure out the foot wear.

Friend: Heels change everything lol. Yea jeans will be fine.

Me: LOL I'll be there. Thank you for the invite.

The party didn't start until 7pm; so I had ample time to find a cute pair of heels. I was wearing light blue jeans, grey tank and a blush pink jacket. While on my lunch break i browsed the web to find a pair i could pick up in store and avoid wasting time.

As the day went on the tea seemed to be working smoothly. I was going regularly after every mini meal and the bloat in my tummy went away. Who knew I would actually have a flat tummy in a matter of hours. Note to self I could totally do this once a week to keep my bowels on track.

5 o'clock finally came and I bolted out the door. I was determined not to let a small item like shoes ruin my chance to be social and hang out with a friend I hardly ever get to see. I went to 59th street and tried Off 5th, Bloomingdales, Banana Republic and finally Zara was where I was successful. The goal was to buy shoes that I would wear again and would go with my current ensemble. Nailed it! With about 30 minutes left before the event I made my purchase and hopped on the 6 train.

I got off the train at Spring Street and as I was looking around trying to figure out what direction I should walk in "It" began. My stomach started squirming, then rumbling, then cramping and I began to sweat. "Oh no oh no oh no this is not happening right now." I whisper to myself as I clench my butt cheeks. I look around desperately in search of a Starbucks, McDonalds or even a Chipotle; you know the normal chain of restaurants on EVERY CORNER OF NEW YORK CITY!

I must have turned around in a circle 3 times looking for a restaurant. Each turn sweatier than the last. I decided that maybe I should except my fate and look for a place to relieve myself outside in these New York City streets. There were 3 steps in an empty apartment building doorway that I decided would be my poop thrown. The plan was simple I would sit like a lady, cut loose and call an Uber. I would dive my soiled ass into the Uber superman style and kindly ask that the windows be rolled down as I lay on my stomach and ride all the way back to the Bronx.

Just as I was about to sit and bury my face in my book something in me said NO don't you dare go out like that. Look over there. There across the street was a cute hipster coffee /pastry bar. I dashed across the street which made for an awkward dash since my butt cheeks never stopped clenching. I walk in and head to the counter. It was so nice and clean so they had to have a public restroom. I thought to myself. "Hi what can I buy so I can use your restroom?" I say to the little man behind the counter. "Oh oh well yeah you definitely have to buy something. We have warm quiche..." he begins his menu list. "Yeah not in the mood for food. Lemonade how about that? A nice cold lemonade." I say dripping sweat and interrupting his suggestions. $4.95 later I was off to the bathroom to save my dignity.

I thought I was going to lift off they way that belly tea cleaned me out. I had to put tissue under my arms from being so nervous someone would knock on the door. I practiced my monster voice saying "get away" in my head like Michael Jackson in Thriller. So happy they had Febreze in the bathroom. That was so thoughtful, I have to go back there under less tragic circumstances.

I walked out all clean and refreshed, grab my iced cold lemonade, thanked the little man behind the counter for his help and headed to the party. I tasted the lemonade and it was yummy, but the thought of finishing it was out of the question. There were no homeless people around so I just threw it way. I found the lounge and went around the corner to put my stilettos on. They were actually pretty comfortable.

I sat at the bar and had a vodka soda. Risky I know, but I was in a safe place. I meet a nice young lady and ended up chatting with her until my friend showed up. We were having such a great time. Lots of laughter, lots of jokes, lots of networking with good people. All of a sudden fries appeared on the table. They smelled amazing. "Have some" my friend says pulling my arm. "Come on eat one" "NOOOOOOOOOO" I yell. I needed to get home on the train unsoiled. I just wanted to be great!


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